JOSH TAYLOR ART

For Los Angeles Roller Derby Benefit

Apprentice of Lunacy; Mentor of Psychosis

Historians generally consider Psycho Wizard to be the most accomplished magick-wielder of the wizard sons of the Grand Lord. Extensive documentation paints a vivid picture of the long life of Psycho Wizard, who lived well beyond 215 years before his demise. In that time, he was responsible for countless acts of abject madness and depravity. Some of his exploits most noted by his contemporaries include the 483rd winter of the Sixth Age, wherein he cast a curse upon the skies and for the months until the magick ceased, precipitation fell as bubbling amniotic fluid; "The mouth of the mutiny", a two year span in which infants of the continent were inexplicably able to speak, but only in brutish, curse-laden tongue; and perhaps most remarkably, his successful "Great Mudslide of 522 S.A.", transposing for one night all straw mattresses of the lands with the feces of Highbacks (a type of donkey) at the stroke of midnight, while inhabitants of the day were deep asleep. As his abilities continued to grow in technical prowess and concentrated force, he sought to create his own organization of capable and insane adherents. His first attempt came with the abduction of two girls from St. Dora's School for Orphan Girls (of modern notoriety). Under the brief tutelage of Psycho Wizard, the girls developed remarkable powers, though did not progress deeply into the control of these abilities. Lord Blonious the Gruff, discovering the diabolical plot, managed to surround Psycho Wizard with a platoon of men in the Glass Forest. To secure his own escape, Psycho Wizard agreed to send the girls back to their own time, and in doing so, managed to evade capture. The girls returned to the Modern Age, but neither girl's identification has ever been positively determined. (Seemingly sourceless hijinxing and chaos-magick is a well-known occurrence presently at the school.) Undeterred, Psycho Wizard's next success was the transmuting of two barkworms into living girls, Elfog & Harap, whom he tutored extensively in the chaos-magick arts. Responsible for a number of horrific curses and spells in their own right, the twin worm-girls' carried out the terror of their creator-master long after his death. Recovered writings describe that on the 5th hour of the 50th day of the 50th year after his death, the girls both abruptly dropped where they stood, instantly reverting back into their original forms, and- as having long outlived the typical span of bloodworms- shriveled into stone, becoming the legendary Twin Stone Barkworms. Lore of the day says that these pieces were so powerful that only one could be held at a time by a single man, and were recovered respectively by Sir Gruddy Blargenflat- who reportedly wove the Elfog Barkworm into the collar of his Hound, purportedly becoming the source of the dog's inexplicable vigor and longevity- while the Harap Barkworm was recovered by Fanzy Sweetweather and embedded in the clasp of her cloak- which is said to have granted her the counterpart of slow growth, allowing her to remain small in stature while sharp in skill over the course of her long child-assassin career.

Master tacticians of the Eastern Realm

Only fragmented historical information exists regarding the eastern realm. Lore maintains that the deity Heglinias, in an act of fury over the twins' vicious warmongering, bound their hands permanently as a means to contain them. The twins redirected their efforts to mastery of strategy, directing countless successful invasions and wars.

The Kitty Cat Knight
Champion of the Vermonthian Kingdoms

Phineas was born fully mortal and without any magick ability, with the exception of a very high anti-magick constitution. His cat ears were believed to be the single "scar" ever sustained by magickal attacks against him. Some lore indicates that this attack was by Ellastrion Drizzlit, and that he was the only living being ever to survive a battle against her, though this has never been proven. His taking of Enos Keep is considered by military historians to be one of the most strategically skillful battles ever documented.

Ellastrion Drizzlit
The Hand of the Sextopus

While the Dark Elf Tribes were known to be powerful magick-wielders, Ellastrion displayed incredibly potent chaos-magick from early childhood, to such a degree that it was feared she would inadvertently destroy reality itself. Surviving documentation explains that the strongest Dark Elf elders conjured a portal to send her through, in an effort to secure the safety of their own world. As she passed through, her powerful magick aura nearly collapsed the portal, and left bound to her the ability to move across these two dimensions with ease. Finding her exit in the layer of the sextopi, she was taken in and learned to consume energy as the sextopi do. Armed with the ability to move between dimensions to evade danger or capture, and the ability to bend her tremendous chaos-magick into energy-eating, she is argued to have been the single most powerful and dangerous assassin of the Sixth Age.

An unnamed princess of the expansive nomadic tribes. As environmental catastrophes ravaged their native continent in the later years of the Sixth Age, these peoples flocked in increasing numbers across the Cerulean Sea, with many of the tribes taking up the banner of Phineas McCook. This influx of manpower emboldened the Kitty Cat Knight to wage a war for the long-contested Enos Keep- which after considerable bloodshed by both sides, was finally claimed by McCook.

Temptress-warrior of the Purple Forest

Lore describes Vlanarious as having been an orphan, raised by an enormous mother falcon in a nest perched in a Purple Birch tree. Her two Nether Hawks, Issius and Ressius, functioned as her scouts, and kept constant watch over the mysterious forest. She was said to be highly cunning, and while a skilled warrior, would at times opt to lure attractive men or women into physical congress for her own enjoyment, before killing them.

Lord of the Wailing Order
The black clouds and the wind

The Wailing order was a powerful socio-political force throughout the Sixth Age. As the name suggests, their potent and destructive magicks were channeled by loud and sustained screaming "chants". Their actions as documented through history were generally driven by greed and the self-preservation of the order and with little regard to compromise or cooperation.

The mysterious traveler

The exact role and motivations of the legendary Fishhead Businessman remain unknown, although his historical importance is irrefutable. Documentation abounds of his appearance at critical moments throughout the Sixth Age, and nearly all share the same basic details- his instantaneous materialization, his fast and purposeful action, and his equally quick disappearance. Researchers are generally divided into two schools of thought regarding him. Some believe him to be merely a hijinxer- contemptuous to the denizens of the Sixth Age which he found to be inferior- inserting random chance elements of chaos into such important moments solely for his own entertainment. Others contend that his actions were deliberate and for specific purposes, and speculate that entities permissioned to manipulate space-time must observe a strict set of guidelines- including the prohibition of direct interference with the course of events outside of their own time. Thus, his "chaotic" actions were his attempt to alter outcomes without violating such rules, for motivations not yet understood.

Fifty-Seventh Ruler of Nebulo City

A limited number of unearthed relics have built a rough framework for the history of the famed Nebulo City (City of the Clouds), once thought to be only lore, or misinterpretation of anecdotes. While previously it was assumed that the fortress-crown was worn only by the ruling king or queen, it is now believed that all children received one as part of a coming-of-age ritual, symbolizing their passage into adulthood as well as their duty and loyalty to the city and its ruler. The crowns were worn at all times, and many historians now speculate that each crown was home to a varying number of nimfolszelle (wind-sprites), by whose innate magick Nebulo City was kept aloft. To date, no intact crowns are known to have been recovered. The crowns are not believed to have been manufactured within Nebulo City, and their original source remains unknown.

The strength of the bowed branch

The Wood Elf Queen's guard consisted of three bands of soldiers, broken into distinct schools- earth magick, ranged weaponry and covert warfare. Her personal guard consisted of the three highest-ranked soldiers from the whole of the guard, and were trained extensively in each of the schools. Though the Wood Elves Kingdom was generally peaceful, intruders on their lands were tolerated with limited patience. Through alignment with various factions, the Wood Elves thrived throughout the Sixth Age, outlasting the rises and falls of many kingdoms throughout the land.

Boy King of the West
Child ruler in the age of Blunders

Fleamus rose to the throne at the age of 8, upon the death of his father by the great bear Bartholemeu. Existing texts regard him as a generally able ruler, although many suggest this perception has benefited by the fact that it was an era of peace wherein his strategic abilities and decision-making over the lives of armies was not tested. His story is documented in Excleasian the Timid's epic poem "The Tinder and the Wind".

The wake of the broken finger

Sweetweather is regarded as one of the most lethal assassins of the Sixth Age. No recovered information exists to verify her birth or death, though reports of a juvenile female assassin appear in various recovered writings, and the signature of each of her murders- the broken left index finger of each victim- has been found on the excavated bodies of several high-ranking court members from various kingdoms of the Sixth Era. There is considerable debate amongst historians regarding the possibility that Fanzy was the sole child of Ellastrion Drizzlit, though there is no evidence to indicate that she possessed any magick power (which most believe she would have genetically passed to the daughter). Supporters of the argument suggest that Drizzlit possessed the energy-eating skill to abate the inherent magic in Fanzy, in the hopes that her daughter might find a more peaceful path in life, although this is highly speculative. Still others believe Fanzy was actually of the Purple Birch, and may be a lovechild of the Falcon Mistress Vlanarious and one of her victims. Legend holds that Fanzy was the keeper of the Harap half of the Twin Stone Bloodworms, which- as embedded in the clasp of her cloak- allowed her long life and slow growth, and is said to be the means by which she maintained her childlike stature and agility for so many years.

Stone-stepper of the Muted Marshlands

The subject of numerous legends, Blargenflat was a keen hunter and gained understandable notoriety for his frequent excursions into the Muted Marshlands, a locale rife with firespiders, rockjaws, and other dangerous creatures of the Sixth Age. His hound was said to have survived for more than 30 years and through various encounters and battles, and the hound's progeny is one of the few animals to have survived through each of the Ages. Lore suggests that it was Blargenflat who recovered the Elfog half of the Twin Stone Barkworms, and that his weaving of it into his hound's collar was the means through which the hound (and its offspring) acquired their legendary longevity.

Small in stature but enormous in voice

King Throogle presided over the Southran kingdom for only 13 years, allegedly spending  the majority of that time heavily intoxicated. It is accepted history that he died the night of his 68th birthday after belching the fumes of dragoonfyre (kerosene), his preferred beverage, onto a lit candle as he attempted to blow it out.

Keeper of Cold Blood and Colder Heart

Extensive documentation exists regarding "the Queen of the Snakes". Clairgaine was a master trainer of various snakes of the Sixth Era, and was regarded in nearly all surviving texts as a woman of categorically unscrupulous and deceitful constitution. She was married at least 57 times, and each husband was believed to have died a victim of her snakes, although as the queen, no one dared address the matter or speak the accusations. One recounting of her reign describes latter husbands as having been forcibly married, and the men of her era considered marriage to her an invariable death sentence.

The Licentious warrior

Hemdroll rose to the rank of knight-lieutenant in the Kurth legion before her 20th birthday. She was regarded as a fierce and salacious warrior, and her anger and depravity are thought to have stemmed from her childhood in a brothel. Recent discovery of buried jars bearing the Kurth seal and containing decayed human reproductive organs give some credence to the commonly-held legend that she removed said appendages from each man she slayed in battle.

Big Trouble in Little China

Colors by Howie Noel